Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
