look no pants
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
