my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
handjob tips. give me some.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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