I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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