dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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