But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
