my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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