Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
