dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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