I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
