What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
