I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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