help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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