i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
