my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
