I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
