im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
