three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
