we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
