I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
high people should be assigned attendants
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
