I am puke
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
