Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
