Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
