i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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