If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
