Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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