I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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