good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize