I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
