She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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