I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
