I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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