She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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