i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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