What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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