I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
