Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize