Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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