i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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