it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
