I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize