What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
