i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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