My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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