Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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