that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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