i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Less talking, more tequila
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize