life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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