Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
