Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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