I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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