Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
