Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
NoShamevember. You game?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
