I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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