Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
