I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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