Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
