i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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