Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
