I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
