well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize